It seems I’m somewhat of a Jamaican man magnet. Boca Grande has this gigantic old Inn that hires it’s employees from foreign countries as a work travel program or something of that nature. Anyway, it’s actually really neat because you meet some of the most interesting people that work there.

But how the hell do you tell someone who really doesn’t speak english very well that you appreciate the compliment, but you’re gay?  It’s one thing if an American man comes up and starts hitting on me, all I have to say is “I’m gay.” and that’s usually the end of it. But there’s a total language barrier with some of these foreigners, and almost always it ends with my face turning crimson and I run away.

The first time it happened was probably the worst. This younger Jamaican kid came into the bakery, he couldn’t have been older than 18. He looked 14. But he came up to the counter and ordered, and without even BREATHING in between his order he said I was “the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.” I could barely understand his english, but I caught the majority of it.  So I smiled and ran away to get his order.  I came back to ring up everything and he started with the questions. “Do you live around here?  Do you have a boyfriend?” I answered honestly to both, and rejoiced a little inside when I saw a group of people coming in. Obviously this boy would see that I was busy and go away.

Of course not.

He promptly continued with some more questions “What do you like to do?  Can I see you sometime?” Now that group that looked like my savior before was an audience. What else could I do? I can’t lead people on. I didn’t want to tell him no and have him come back for a repeat performance. So I just politely said “I’m sorry, I’m gay.” The whole group behind him became completely quiet. HELLO, ASSHOLES, DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU THAT EAVESDROPPING ISN’T POLITE?

He just smiled, like that was his way of saying it was okay. He obviously didn’t understand. So I continued, regretfully “…that means I like women.”  but of course, he still didn’t understand.

So I went “You think I’m beautiful, right? Well I think she’s beautiful.” and I pointed to a lady sitting outside.

At this point I could’ve dug my own grave and jumped in it just then. He wouldn’t stop smiling and nodding.

“I LIKE WOMEN. I REALLY REALLY LIKE WOMEN. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, JUST BACK THERE, YOU SEE?”

Apparently girlfriend was the magic word all along, even though I figured that would confuse a Jamaican guy as much as it does an American one. We all have “girlfriends” after all.

The realization look spread across his face, and he said “Okay, thank you” and walked away.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thank god. It just took me three hours to write this blog, not because it was too lengthy, but because I’m working and writing when no ones in the store. But this story isn’t even half done yet, because there have been three Jamaican guys who have done this so far. 

and none of them are ever kidding around.

Tags: Boca Grande, Men

I’ve always owned animals that have done this. They walk over, you think you’re about to get a nice lick, or some loving, and they instantly turn around and want their butts scratched. “Hello, here’s my ass! You know what to do!”

Well the same goes with my girlfriend.

I just woke up. Brushed my teeth, asked if she was able to get the rest of the day off to hang out with me, sat down to watch tv, and there she was. Sitting on the coffee table in front of me with her back to me. “SCRATCH MY BACK!”

This isn’t just a one time thing either. That’s my life, all day long I am scratching the cats and the dogs and my future wife.

Tags: Shana, The Animal Farm

Nearly three months ago my best friend Brian’s sister in law was raped and murdered in a town I’ve been living in for ten years. I think it’s possibly the most surreal experience of my life. I played Monopoly with her. I caught the bouquet at her wedding. I waited in the hospital for hours with Brian while her first baby was being born. She let me borrow sweaters and tampons and sleep on her couch. I don’t know if I could have ever called her my friend, but I knew her well enough that this whole thing was devestating. I can’t even begin to imagine how Nathan (Denise’s husband, Brian’s brother) is feeling. How her father and mother and brother and sister (who are both the same age as MY brother and sister) are feeling. Denise was the same age as me. She had everything going for her. Everything. She was beautiful, she was in love, she had a family of her own and a whole life to look forward to living.

It’s been three months and still Denise’s family can’t even begin to find their peace. So much went wrong the night she disappeared, and now they all have to live with the knowledge that had some retarded 911 operater done her job, their Denise would still be alive. But even worse than that, they have to go through the process of a murder trial. They have to watch that son of a bitch get up and say he never touched her, that “he was kidnapped too.” They have to listen to the media covering the story nearly every single day.

I think her family are the strongest people I’ve ever met. I couldn’t keep going if I were them. I’d lock myself away from it all. But they’re at the Capital petitioning for new bills, they’re investigating the people who are supposed to save you, they’re helping everyone else cope with this and even doing tv interviews on The Today Show.

I think that was the most surreal part to me. Turning on The Today Show and seeing Matt Lauer talk about it. He’s so far from my reality. He’s just a celebrity who reports the news in my opinion. So to see this celebrity discussing it…it couldn’t be more unreal.

The only real part to this I’d like to remember is watching that man, that monster, get the death penalty.

Tags: Denise Amber Lee, Murder, The Today Show

My girlfriend likes to wake me up with questions. Not just ordinary questions. Urgent, it’s life or death, the world will end if you don’t answer - questions. For instance, this morning. I’m not sure what I was dreaming about, maybe making out with Lindsay Lohan again, (not that I CHOSE her, she just kind of showed up in my dreams lately) maybe I was saving the world again (I’m preparing for this to really happen.) Whatever it was, I was abruptly torn from it and asked immediately where the dog leashes were. I don’t know if any of you has ever experienced that feeling… The sheer confusion that accompanies being torn from a lovely dream and back to reality. She might as well have asked me where Area 51 was located because I couldn’t even formulate a sentence.

“er…iuh..didn…didn’t you have…i…check the…the uh…THE THING.”

Tags: Daily, Shana

If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d actually go searching for my last blog post. However, I just spent some 6 hours working on this new layout, and I don’t have the energy to. But I’m guessing my last entry was at least two years ago. Now normally I’d recap and catch my blog up on some things, but again, feeling lazy. I think you get the gist of this post. It’s the I’m-too-lazy-to-write-anything-but-I-just-spent-6-hours-fixing-the-layout-and-I-feel-obligated post.

I promise my writings won’t be this lousy.

Tags: Bullshit